• The Gospel !

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

• Money isn't everything.

Money 
It can buy a House             But not a Home 
It can buy a Bed                But not Sleep 
It can buy a Clock              But not Time 
It can buy you a Book         But not Knowledge 
It can buy you a Position    But not Respect 
It can buy you Medicine     But not Health 
It can buy you Blood          But not Life 
It can buy you Sex             But not Love 

So you see money isn't everything. 
And it often causes pain and suffering. 
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend 
I want to take away your pain and suffering. 
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. 
Cash only please. 

•  One Liners

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. 

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. 

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. 

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." 

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18" 

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" 

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" 

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?" 

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery; There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. 

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. 

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport! 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years ...then we met. 

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in College was my blood alcohol content. 

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. 

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here. 

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? 

I see your IQ test results were negative. 

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. 

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. 

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? 

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." 

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. 

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first. 

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. 

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

• Need Glasses