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If you could train a husband (or have one come already house-broken) what kinds of training would you like him to have? Broken down into living areas starting with: Kitchen/Dining room It doesn't have to be Iceberg to qualify as lettuce. Pickles can legitimately be made from items other than cucumbers. Ketchup is not a vegetable. Belches are not a sign of gastronomic appreciation. Candles on the table and dimmed lights are romantic, dummy, not indication you should examine each bite minutely and suspiciously in case it contains a nasty surprise. Living room/TV room A red and blue bathrobe does not provide an accent piece as does an artfully placed serape on the back of the sofa. The coffee table is not the place to field-strip a carburetor even if you lay down a bunch of newspapers first. The TV Guide was designed to prevent the need to channel surf. The remote is not yours by birthright. When mixed-company visitors arrive, the TV has an off-switch. This works even at the end of the third quarter. Why do you think we have VCRs? Bathroom Towels dry better if hung up straight and immediately after use. Bath mats are for dripping on, not being kicked into a corner so they don't get wet. Dropped toothpaste globs can easily be shoved down the drain with the side of a thumb, not left to harden into concrete. The lid and seat should be closed every time you finish using the toilet. The dog can drink out of a doggy-dish. This is not the place to sneak into with your portable radio when guests arrive, even at the end of the 3rd quarter. Bedroom If you're the last one out of it, make the bed. Blankets are for sharing. The mattress is only half yours. At most, three-fourths. This is also not the place to sneak into with your portable radio when guests arrive, even at the end of the 3rd quarter. Sex A pat on your wife's butt at 5 p.m. does not constitute foreplay that will get you lucky at 11. A pat on the butt at 11 will not get you lucky at 11:05. A wife is not usually a buddy. A punch on the shoulder might not be taken as a sign of affection. Beer breath is not considered an aphrodisiac by most women. Wouldn't you shave first if you were going to be with someone else's wife? General Doorknobs were not created for hanging up shirts, jackets, ties and baseball caps. Baseball caps should be removed indoors even in restaurants that don't have 5 stars on the door and a maitre d'. Pants belong on hangers, not the foot of the bed. Even if it is your side. The floor of the closet is not a good storage area for dirty socks and underwear even if you close the door. The car keys are not your by birthright. Men can so take stuff to the dry-cleaner. You won't be nagged if you do what you said you'd do when you said you'd do it. Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day etc. are very important. A new vacuum cleaner is not a good gift choice. A used vacuum cleaner is even worse. Lingerie is good. Crotchless panties and garter belts are not necessarily considered lingerie by women. They were made for your pleasure, not ours. "Not tonight, I've got a headache means"- You hurt my feelings by giving me that damned frying pan for my birthday. "Not tonight, I've got a headache means" - I saw you do a full one-eighty to check out that blonde in the supermarket. "Not tonight, I've got a headache means"- You need a shave and a shower. "Not tonight, I've got a headache means"- You embarrassed me by belching in McDonald's after our wonderful, romantic anniversary dinner.
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